&\'%J 


S E R G E L ’S 
ACTING 
DRAMA 


The  Great  Plummer  Breach 
of  Promise  Case 

BY  EFFIE  W.  MERRIMAN 


PRICE 
hs  CENTS 


THE 

DRAMATIC 

PUBLISHING 

COMPANY 


NUMBER ' 
439 

^ ■v''  - 

. J 


r / 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 

BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE 


AUTHOR 

n 


^ Ctial 


BY 

EFFIE  W.  MERRIMAN 

OF  “DIAMONDS  AND  HEARTS,”  “TOMPKINS’ 
A girl’s  SECRET,”  “ COMEDIES  FOR  CHILDREN, 


HIRED  MA?fc, 
” ETC. 


CHICAGO 

vTHE  DRAMATIC  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 


PHE  GEEAT  PLUMMEE  BEEACH-OI 
PEOMISE  CASE. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Squire  Wrioht 

Benjamin  Scogos 

Alonzo  Highty-Tighty 

Abigail  Plummer 

John  Goodman 

Joe  Sharpe 

Mrs.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty. 
Jane  Walsh. 

Lucy  Webber. 

Bridget  O’Rooney. 

Mrs.  Charity  Plummer.  ^ 
Mercy  Love.  ) 

Amelia  Oldgirl.  C 


..... .JuMtiee  of  the  reat 

Baili 

Defendar 

Plainti 

Council  for  Plainti 

. , Council  for  Defendar 

A Spectate 

1 

i 

. .Witnesses  for  Plaint^ 

Witnesses  for  Defendari 

\ 
K 

i 

i 


Copyright,  1902, 

By  the  dramatic  publishing  company. 


INTRODUCTION. 


The  following  entertainment  is  designed  for  an  entire  evening 
and  will  be  found  very  acceptable  for  church  sociables,  school 
exhibitions,  or  an  evening  at  home.  Very  little  stage  scenery  is 
actually  required,  and  curtains  are  not  needed  at  all.  The 
judge’s  stand  may  consist  simply  of  a table  and  chair,  but  it  will 
be  binnier  to  have  a raised  platform  so  that  he  will  tower  above 
all  the  other  players.  In  arranging  the  seats  for  the  various 
actors,  be  sure  that  one  is  not  allowed  to  sit  between  another 
and  the  audience. 

The  lawyers  and  the  judge  may  have  their  parts  copied  on 
documents  of  legal  appearance,  or  upon  leaves  fastened  in  big 
law  books,  and  thus  by  referring  to  their  “ authorities  ” they 
can  refresh  their  memories  without  appearing  to  do  so.  This 
will  save  them  considerable  memorizing,  an  item  of  importance 
where  there  are  so  many  lines  to  be  spoken,  and  if  it  is  well 
done  they  will  appear  all  the  more  lawyer-like. 

As  there  is  not  much  moving  about  the  stage  in  this  enter- 
tainment, those  who  take  part  in  it  should  pay  greater  attention 
to  the  little  things  that  help  to  make  the  lawsuit  seem  real. 
The  witnesses  who  are  not  on  the  stand  should  not  sit  like 
wooden  figure-heads  until  their  time  to  speak  has  arrived,  but 
they  should  constantly  show  the  liveliest  interest  in  what  is 
taking  place.  For  instance,  the  witnesses  for  one  side  should 
lose  no  opportunity  to  sneer,  or  doubt  or  look  troubled  over 
testimony  given  by  the  witnesses  on  the  other  side  ; but  these 
opinions  should  not  be  expressed  noisily,  or  in  any  way  to  divert 
the  attention  from  the  main  scene  except,  perhaps,  for  a mere 
second.  The  idea  is  simply  for  every  actor  to  be  very  much 
alive,  thoroughly  interested,  and  to  feel  his  part  to  such  an  ex- 
tent that  the  audience  is  forgotten. 

When  the  witnesses  hold  up  their  hands  to  take  the  oath,  the 
judge  should  speak  in  very  distinct  tones,  enunciating  carefully, 
and  appearing  so  very  solemn  that  the  ridiculous  oath  seems 
all  the  tunnier  in  comparison.  A bald,  fat  and  very  pompous 
judge  will  add  greatly  to  the  amusement.  If  he  takes  snuff, 
and  goes  to  sleep  occasionally,  all  the  better. 

The  bailiff  should  be  represented  as  nervous,  anxious  and 

3 


4 


INTRODUCTION. 


fussily  important.  He  believes  there  could  be  no  law  adminis- 
tered unless  he  were  there  to  keep  order,  and  when  he  is  not 
acting  his  part  as  indicated  in  the  lines  he  should,  by  motions, 
head-shakes,  facial  contortions,  and  threatening  movements  of 
his  gavel,  be  constantly  trying  to  keep  some  one  in  order.  In 
his  zeal,  he  may  even  threaten  the  judge,  but  this  should  im- 
mediately be  followed  by  a posture  indicative  of  abject  remorse. 

Any  one  who  has  visited  a court  room  when  a closely  con- 
tested case  was  in  progress  will  understand  what  is  required  of 
the  lawyers.  Young  men  with  very  expressive  voices  will  take 
these  parts  best,  since  their  success  will  lie  largely  in  their 
ability  to  lead  the  audience  through  their  method  of  questioning 
their  witnesses. 

Mrs.  Highty-Tighty  should  appear  very  young  and  emotional 
— even  hysterical,  at  times.  Once  or  twice  she  sobs  aloud  when 
the  testimony  seems  to  be  against  her  husband. 

The  various  witnesses  should  study  their  parts  carefully,  and 
make  them  as  distinctive  as  possible.  Plaintiff  and  witnesses 
are  all  to  be  represented  as  old  maids.  Defendant  is  a dude, 
polite,  well-dressed,  and  supercilious  fellow,  somewhat  lacking 
in  manliness.  He  should  wear  an  eye-glass,  carry  a cane,  and 
pet  his  moustache,  and  he  should  make  it  understood,  without 
saying  so,  that  his  young  wife’s  too  evident  fondness  for  him  is 
something  of  a bore.  It  is  intended  that  each  character  rep- 
resented should  be  something  of  a caricature,  yet  a certain  air 
of  sincerity  must  be  thrown  over  the  proceedings,  to  make  the 
spectators  almost  believe  in  the  lawsuit  even  against  the  evi-‘| 
dence  of  tneir  senses.  , 

If  this  is  well  done  it  will  be  found  one  of  the  funniest  of  en-', 
tertainments,  and  one  that  may  be  repeated  v%^ithout  becoming 
tiresome.  As  will  be  seen,  the  lines  may  easily  be  changed 
where  local  hits  are  to  be  worked  in,  and  with  this  for  a model, 
a lawsuit  in  which  actual  names  are  used  might  be  constructed. 

When  this  entertainment  is  given  in  a neighborhood  where? 
enough  players  may  be  had,  there  should  be  a jury,  which! 
might  be  seated  near  the  judge’s  stand.  This  jury  should  be^ 
dressed  to  represent  every  nationality,  and  the  one  at  the  last 
end  should  be  a “new  woman”  of  the  most  pronounced  type.^ 
A Chinaman  should  precede  her,  and  a negro  precede  him.' 
A drunkard  might  also  be  given  a place.  The  deputy  should 
bring  in  the  jury,  after  all  the  others  are  seated,  taking  care  to 
lead  them  the  entire  length  of  the  stage.  If  it  seems  best  to 
let  some  of  them  be  given  speaking  parts,  they  may  be  allowed 
to  ask  for  further  enlightenment  upon  some  point  brought  out.' 


INTRODUCTION. 


5 


When  the  lawyers  have  occasion  to  address  the  court,  they 
should  take  care  to  include  the  jury  also.  At  the  conclusion  of 
the  case  the  bailiff  should  escort  the  jury  out  of  the  room,  and 
immediately  bring  them  in  again,  when  the  foreman  of  the  jury 
presents  a folded  paper  to  the  judge.  He  asks  them  if  they 
have  reached  a decision,  and  the  foreman  replies  in  the  affirma- 
tive, then  catches  himself  and  adds  that  they  have  agreed  to 
disagree.  The  judge  reads  from  the  paper,  ‘*We  are  all  will- 
ing to  acquit  the  defendant,  except  the  woman.  She  won’t 
agree.**  Then  the  judge  motions  the  jury  to  be  seated,  and 
goes  on  with  his  closing  address. 

The  play  was  prepared  without  reference  to  the  jury  because 
in  the  majority  of  cases  it  will  be  found  difficult  to  get  as  many 
actors  as  the  addition  of  a jury  would  require. 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2017  with  funding  from 

University  of  Illinois  Urbana-Champaign  Alternates 


https://archive.org/details/greatplummerabreOOmerr 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER  BREACH-OF- 
PROMISE  CASE. 


ACT  I. 


I.  Judge’s  box.  2.  Witness  stand.  3.  Table  for  bailiff.  4.  Long  table.  5.  CKair 
for  attorney  for  defendant.  6.  Chair  for  defendant.  7.  Chair  for  attorney  for  {daintiff. 
8.  Chair  for  plaintiff.  9.  Seats  for  witnesses  for  nlaintiff.  10.  Seats  for  witnesses  for 
defendant,  ii.  Mrs.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty.  12.  Mrs.  Charity  Plummer. 


Curtain  rises  disclosing  stage  as  per  plan  outlined.  Benja- 
min Scoggs  is  dusting. 

Scoggs.  It  is  simply  monstrous  to  expect  a bailiff,  in  good 
standing,  to  do  such  work  as  this.  I might  as  well  be  a janitor 
and  be  done  with, — but  how  they  would  ever  keep  order  in  this 
court  if ’twan't  for  me,  well,  they  just  couldn’t  keep  it,  that’s  all. 
Order  is  my  strong  hold.  [Enter  crowd  of  witnesses,  L.]  It  is 
God’s  first  law,  and  in  keeping  order  I practice  my  religion. 
Now  who  comes  here  ? 

Mercy.  Is  this  where  the  breach-of-promise  case  comes  off  ? 

Bailiff.  [Pompously This  is  where  the  celebrated  breach- 
of-promise  case  is  to  be  tried.  Yes,  madam, — er — ah — 
mademoiselle. 


7 


8 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Jane  Walsh.  Well,  where  do  we  sit  ? 

Bailiff.  How  do  I know  ? I am  not  supposed  to  have  trie 
pleasure  of  your  acquaintance.  Are  you  spectators  or  wit- 
nesses ? 

Mercj.  1 am  a witness  for  the  defendant,  if  you  please,  sir. 
Jane.  [Scorn/u//jy.]  You  are?  Well,  thank  Heaven  Tm 
not.  I speak  for  the  plaintiff,  poor  dear. 

Bailiff.  \Briskly,\  Witnesses  for  plaintiff  sit  here  ; wit- 
nesses for  defendant  sit  here.  [Indicating^  seats.] 

[All  the  witnesses  seat  themselves.  Those  for  one  side  taking 
no  pains  to  conceal  their  contempt  for  those  on  the  other 
Side.  They  talk  together  tn  low  tones^  paying  no  attention 
to  the  entrance  of  the  other  persons,  Sharpe  and  Alonzo 
with  Mrs.  Alonzo,  come  in  next,  and  take  seats.  Alonzo 
spends  his  time  trying  to  get  up  a flirtation  with  the  lady 
witnesses  ; Sharpe  busies  himself  with  reference  books  and 
legal  documents.  Bailiff  is  continually  moving  about  in  a 
most  important  way.  Goodman  comes  in  with  Abigail  on  ^ 
his  arm,  and  seats  her  with  great  show  of  deference.  She 
is  in  mourning  and  looks  most  unhappy.  Her  mother  follows^ 
closely,  looking  greatly  concerned.  After  seating  her,  Good- 
man immediately  becomes  interested  in  books  and  pamphlets' 
he  has  brought  with  him,  in  a bag.  Lastly,  the  judge 
enters,  looking  the  personificatian  of  importance.  Attor-\ 
neys  rise  and  bow  respectfully.  Bailiff  ostentatiously , helps 
judge  to  the  throne-like  structure  arranged  for  him,  then^ 
nearly  falls  over  himself  in  his  haste  to  bring  a pitcher  of 
fresh  water,  and  a glass.  The  fudge  seats  chimself  com- 
fortably, then  nods  to  Bailiff,  who  goes  at  one  to  his  own 
table.] 

Bailiff.  [Tapping on  table  with  his  gavel,  speaks  in  high-\ 
pitched  tones.]  Hear  ye  ; hear  ye  ; hear  ye  ! This  honorable/ 
court  is  now  convened  pursuant  to  adjournment.  j 

Judge.  We  are  now  ready  to  take  up  the  case  of  Plummer.' 
against  Highty-Tighty— er— ah— perplexed.]  Plum-; 

mer  against  Highty-Tighty ^ 

Gk)OiTnan.  [Standing^]  Damages  for  blighted  affections,' 
your  Honor.  [Judge  bows  his  thanks  and  seats  himself.] 
Bailiff.  [Pompously .]  Plaintiff,  Abigail  Plummer,  are  you 
present  ? 

Abigail.  [Scornfully.]  Huh.  Losing  your  eyesight,  Ben- 
jamin Scoggs  ? [ Witnesses  laugh 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


9 


Bailiff.  [Rapping  on  table.]  Order  in  the  court.  Plain- 
tiff, Abigail  Plummer,  are  you  present.^  [Goodman  whispers 
to  Abigail.] 

Abigail.  [Shortly.]  Oh,  I’m  here. 

Bailiff.  Defendant,  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty,  are  you  pres- 
ent 1 

Alonio.  I am  present. 

Judge.  Council  for  plaintiff,  John  Goodman,  you  may  now 
state  your  case. 

(Goodman.  Your  Honor,  I propose,  with  the  help  of  these 
witnesses,  to  prove  that  this — this  creature  who  calls  himself  a 
man, — this  representative  from  that  most  despicable  class  of 
humanity,  the  professional  heart-breaker — has  once  more  been 
guilty  of  a wrong  that  brings  him  within  the  pale  of  criminal 
procedure.  And  such  a wrong  ! What  punishment  can  be  too 
great  for  one  so  guilty  ! The  heart,  your  Honor,  is  our  most 
treasured  gift  from  God.  From  the  smallest  insect  up  to  man 
— the  most  perfect  of  God’s  creatures — the  heart  reigns  supreme 
in  every  living  body.  Without  the  heart  there  can  be  no  life. 
The  more  perfect  the  heart,  the  more  perfect  the  little  kingdom 
over  which  it  reigns.  We  may  lose  our  eyes,  our  limbs,  a kid- 
ney or  a lung,  and  not  lose  life  ; but  remove  the  heart,  and  of 
what  further  use  is  the  body  ? — except,  perhaps,  as  a fertilizer, 
and  even  in  that  capacity  it  cannot  greatly  contribute  to  the 
happiness  of  the  soul  for  which  it  has  been  fashioned.  Your 
Honor,  it  is  a terrible  thing  to  break  a human  heart.  [Abigail 
and  her  friends  weef.]  It  is  wrong  and  cruel  to  use  so  pre- 
cious a treasure  as  a child  uses  a toy,  and  a punishment  could 
hardly  be  devised  that  would  be  too  severe  for  a man  who  finds 
his  enjoyment  in  breaking  that  which  no  mortal  will  ever  know 
how  to  replace.  That  this  man — Alonzo  Highty-Tighty — is 
guilty  will  surely  be  proven  to  your  impartial  mind  long  before 
we  have  finished  our  examination  of  these  noble  women  who 
have  come  to  the  assistance  of  my  suffering  client.  With  the 
court’s  permission,  we  will  now  listen  to  the  testimony  of 
Miss  Jane  Walsh. 

Bailiff.  Miss  Jane  Walsh  will  now  take  the  witness  stand. 
[Jane  obeys^ 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  [Jane  obeys.]  Jane 
Walsh,  do  you  swear  by  the  honorable  cabbages  that  grew  in 
yrour  grandfather’s  garden  that  while  giving  testimony  in  this 
court  you  will  tell  the  exact  truth  in  so  far  as  you  are  able  to 
recognize  it  ? 

Jane.  I never  swear. 


lO 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Judge.  Do  you  then  make  your  most  solemn  affirmation, 
not  forgetting  the  cabbages  in  your  grandfather’s  garden  ? 
Jane.  ySoUmnly?^  I do. 

Goodman.  Miss  Walsh,  it  is  a fact,  is  it  not,  that  you  are 
personally  acquainted  with  both  the  plaintiff  and  the  defen- 
dant ? 

Jane.  I know  Abigail  Plummer  and  Lon  Highty-Tighty,  if 
that’s  what  you  mean — know  ’em  ’most  as  well  as  I do  my  own 
mother, — and  when  Abigail  said  to  me  as  how  she  was  goin’ 
teh  marry  Lon,  I said,  says  I,  Abigail 

Sharpe.  \^Rtstng.\  I object,  your  Honor.  I presume  it 
may  be  the  plan  of  my  learned  opponent  to  allow  his  witnesses 
to  retail  all  the  petty  gossip  of  the  neighborhood  ; but  is  such  a 
scandalous  proceeding  to  be  permitted  ? 

Judge.  Miss  Walsh,  please  remember  that  you  are  to  con- 
fine yourself  closely  to  the  questions  asked  you. 

Jane.  Waal,  ain’t  that  jest  what  I’m  doin’  ? I s’pose  I’m 
here  teh  tell  what  I know  ’bout  this  case,  an’  as  I was  sayin’, 
when  Abigail  told  me  as  how  she  was  goin’  teh  marry  Lon,  I 
said,  says  I,  Abigail 

Judge.  Bailiff,  have  you  prepared  the  gags  1 

Bailiff.  I have,  your  Honor. 

Judge.  [Severely.]  It  must  be  distinctly  understood  that 
any  witness  who  becomes  unruly  is  to  be  gagged.  The  attor-; 
ney  for  plaintiff  will  now  continue. 

Goodman.  Miss  Walsh,  in  so  far  as  that  is  possible  I prefer 
to  have  you  reply  in  monosyllables.  You  may  now  tell  the? 
court,  if  you  please,  in  what  year  Miss  Plummer  and  Mr.i 
Highty-Tighty  were  first  looked  upon  as  lovers.  ? 

Jane.  Let  me  see — this  is  1901.  [Checks  off  on  fingers,] 
Engagement  broken — other  girl — loss  of  property — engagement 
— return  from  the  Klondyke  four  years  in  Alaska — one  year  be- 
fore that,  ten  in  all.  Ten  from  1901  leaves  1891.  [Raises  head 
cind  looks  at  Judge,]  It  was  in  1891.  Afore  that,  they’d  been; 
jest  plain  ev’ryday  sort  o’  friends.  ^ 

Goodman.  In  1891,  then,  Mr.  Highty-Tighty  began  paying^ 
pretty  close  attention  to  Miss  Plummer. 

Jane.  Yes  ; everybody  spoke  of  him  as  Abigail’s  “steady.”! 
Yeh  see,  her  daddy  was  pretty  well  fixed.  ; 

Goodman.  [Hastily.]  For  how  long  did  they  keep  com- 
pany ? 

Jane.  One  whole  year  ; then  he  went  to  the  Klondyke. 

Goodman.  Were  they  engaged  to  be  married  1 

Jane.  Not  then  ; but  the  way  they  writ  back  an’  forth  raised 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


II 


our  post-office  from  **  dubious  fourth  " class  up  to  ‘‘  third  class 
an’  gainin’,”  [IVi^nesses  laugh.] 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court. 

Goodman.  And  when  Mr.  Highty-Tighty  returned  from 
Alaska  ? 

Jane.  When  he  returned  he  was  worse  busted  than  afore  he 
went,  an’  Abigail  had  practically  been  kept  out  o’  the  marriage 
market  for  live  years.  They  went  together,  howsoever,  jest  as 
they  had  afore  he  went  away,  an’  at  the  end  of  another  year, 
their  engagement  was  pronounced. 

Goodman.  Announced  ? 

Jane.  Pronounced  ; yes  sir.  An’  Abigail  was  that  tickled 
that  yeh  could  see  the  sun  strike  her  teeth  long  afore  yeh 
knowed  she  was  cornin’.  But  I never  had  no  patience  with 
sech  dilly-dallyin’,  an’  when  she  told  me  as  how  she  was  goin’ 
teh  marry  Lon,  I said,  says  I,  Abigail 

Sharpe.  Objected  to  as  incompetent,  immaterial  and  irrele- 
vant. 

Judge.  Objection  sustained. 

Goodman.  Were  you  the  only  one  whom  Miss  Plummer 
told  of  her  engagement  ? 

Jane.  Laws,  no.  There  w’a  n’t  a soul  in  that  county 

Abigail.  That  isn’t  so,  Jane.  I only  told  my  dearest 
friends. 

Bailiff.  [Pounding  lable.]  Order  ! Order  in  the  court  ! 

Goodman.  And  Mr,  Higty-Tighty  acknowledged  the  en- 
gagement ? 

Jane.  Sure,  Yeh  see,  her  pa  was  pretty  well  fixed  at  that 
time,  an’  Lon  was  busted 

Goodman.  [Haslil}'.]  How  long  did  the  engagement  last  ? 

Jane.  About  a year.  She  oughtn’t  teh  have  let  it  run  on 
like  that,  an’  I said  to  her,  says  I,  Abigail 

Goodman.  And  then  the  engagement  was  suddenly  broken 
without  good  and  sufficient  reason  ? 

Jane.  It  was  suddenly  broken  off,  all  right ; but  as  teh  the 
good  an’  sufficient  reason,  don’t  that  depend  on  which  side  o' 
the  reason  yeh  be  ? 

Goodman.  Answer  my  question,  please,  and  without  argu- 
ment, Answer  yes  or  no. 

Jane.  How  can  I when  I don’t  know  who’s  judgin’  the 
reason  ? 

Goodman.  [Impatiently .]  The  engagement  was  broken 
suddenly — yes  or  no  ? 

Jane.  Yes. 


U.  OF  ILL  LIB. 


12 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Goodman.  By  Miss  Plummer  ? 

Jane.  \Sarcastically,'\  By  Miss  Plummer  ! Wouldn’t  that 
make  yeh  tired  ! An’  she  so  broke  up  over  it  that  a ten  quart 
pail  couldn’t  ’a’  held  her  tears.  But  it  all  came  out  jest  as  I 
knowcd  it  would — jest  as  I had  predicted  when  she  told  me  as 
how  she  was  goin’  teh  marry  Lon,  an’  I said,  says  I,  Abigail 

Judge.  Bailiff,  bring  the  gag.  {^Bailiff  obey s , taking  a posi 
tion  directly  behind  Jane,\ 

Goodman.  Now  answer  briefly  and  to  the  point,  please. 
The  engagement  was  broken  by  Mr.  Highty-Tighty,  was  it 
not  ? 

Jane.  {Looking  over  her  shoulder  at  Bailiff, \ Yes,  ’twas. 

Goodman.  My  revered  opponent  may  take  the  witness. 

Jane.  {Anxiously Where  to  ? 

Sharps.  I understand,  Miss  Walsh,  that  you  have  known 
the  parties  most  interested  in  this  case  since  they  were  chil- 
dren ? 

Jane.  {Glancing  at  Bailiff Yes. 

Sharpe.  Since  Miss  Plummer  was  ten  years  old  ? 

Jane.  ’Bout  that,  I reckon. 

Sharpe.  That  is  to  say,  you’ve  known  her  for  twenty  years, 
and  you  arc  about  forty, 

Jane.  [Indignantly.]  Who  said  Abigail  Plummer  wa’an’t 
morc’n  thirty  ? 

Sharpe.  [As  if  surprised.]  Is  she  } 

Goodman.  I object  on  the  ground  that  this  is  not  proper 
cross-examination.  I move  to  have  the  answer  stricken  out. 

Jane.  [Before  Judge  can  reply.]  I’d  hate  teh  be  hangin’ 
since  she’s  turned  thirty-eight. 

Judge.  Objection  sustained.  Answer  stricken  out. 

Sharpe.  You  say  that  previous  to  1891  Miss  Plummer  and 
Mr.  Highty-Tighty  had  been  just  plain,  everyday  sort  of  friends 
— Those  were  your  exact  words,  I believe, — plain  everyday 
sort  of  friends. 

Jane.  Yes,  I guess  I said  something  about  like  that. 

Sharpe.  [Sharply.]  You  guess  ! Don’t  you  know  you  said 
it  ? If  you  didn’t  say  that,  what  did  you  say  ? Can  you  tell  me 
that  } 

Jane.  [Calmly.]  No,  if  I didn’t  say  that  I can’t  tell  you 
what  1 did  say. 

Sharpe.  Well,  what  did  you  mean  by  it — everyday  sort  of 
friends  ? 

Jane.  I don’t  know  as  I can  tell  you,  exactly. 

Sharpe.  Well,  come  as  near  to  it  as  you  can. 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


13 


Jane.  S'posin'  we  say,  jist  fer  ’xarnple,  that  me  an*  you  are 
plain,  everyday  sort  of  friends — no  kissin’  an  huggin’  awtcen 
us,  yeh  know — jist  perlite  to  each  other  an’  so  on.  1 don’t  care 
who  you  marry,  an*  you  don’t  care  who  marries  me.  [ ffV/- 
nesses  laugh, '\ 

Bailiff.  {Hurrying  to  the  table,  raps  on  it  violently 
Order  in  the  court  ! 

Sharpe.  {Impatiently,]  Well  1 

Jane.  That’s  all.  I’ve  ’xplained  it. 

Sharpe.  And  that  was  the  nature  of  the  relation  between 
Miss  Plummer  and  Mr.  Highty-Tighty 

Jane*  Afore  1891.  Then  it  got  teh  be  different — moonin’ 
’round,  'yeh  know,  an^  makin’  eyes,  an’ — sighin’,  an’  holdin’ 
hands  under  the  table 

Sharpe.  That  will  do. 

Goodmaii.  That  will  do. 

Bailiff  \Vitness  may  now  step  down. 

Jane.  I’ll  step  where  I like,  Ben  Scoggs,  an’  when  I like  an’ 
how  1 like  fer  all  o’  you,  an’  yeh  can’t  use  the  gag  when  I’m 
only  settin’  {Sits  very  straight,]  an’  not  speakin.’ 

Judge.  Call  the  next  witness.  {Jane  walks  to  her  seat 
with  head  very  erect.] 

Goodman.  We  will  now  call  Bridget  O’Rooney. 

Bailiff.  Miss  Bridget  O’Rooney  will  take  the  witness  stand. 
{Bridget  obeys,] 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  {Bridget  holds  up  left.] 
No,  no,  your  right  hand. 

Bridget.  But  it’s  left-handed  that  Oi  am,  y’r — oner.  It  is 
a back-handed  oath  yeh’d  have  me  be  afther  takin’  1 

Judge.  The  oath  will  be  all  right.  Hold  up  your  right 
hand.  {Bridget  obeys,]  Now,  Bridget  O’Rooney,  in  memory 
of  the  pigs  and  the  praties,  the  bogs  and  shillalahs  of  old  Ire- 
land, will  you,  while  on  this  witness-stand,  stick  to  the  plain 
unvarnished  truth  as  that  porous  plaster  sticks  to  your  back  ? 

Bridget.  {Scratching  her  back!\  Yez  kin  jist  bet  I will, 
y’r — oner. 

Goodman.  You  may  tell  the  court,  if  you  please,  how  you 
get  your  living. 

Bridget.  I'm  the  scrub-lady  in  the  kitchen  of  the  Plummers, 

Goodman.  You  have  other  duties  besides  scrubbing,  do  you 
not  ? 

Bridget.  Shure  an’  I do.  Did  ye*  take  me  fer  a lady  o* 
laisure  } 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


14 

Goodman.  How  long  have  you  worked  for  Mrs.  Plummer  ? 

Bridget.  Iver  sense  I wint  there,  in  course.  There’s  niver 
a wan  as  kin  call  Biddy  O’Rooney  a shirk. 

Goodman.  You  don’t  understand.  I mean  how  many 
months 

Bridget.  Oh.  Better  nor  five  years,  sorr. 

Goodman.  You  attend  the  door,  do  you  not  ? 

Bridget.  Yis,  sorr,  when  it  nacles  tindin’. 

Goodman.  Then  you  are  in  a position  to  tell  me  how  fre- 
quently Mr.  Highty-Tighty  has  been  in  the  habit  of  calling  upon 
Miss  Plummer. 

Sharpe.  I object. 

Judge.  Objection  overruled. 

Goodman.  \To  Bridget.\  You  may  answer  my  question. 

Bridget.  Ivery  avenin’  he  coomed  in  stoile  wid  a bookay, 
or  a box  o’  candy,  or  mebbe  a bit  o’  fruit,  an’  only  the  howly 
Virgin  knows  how  long  he  stayed  ; thin  he’d  drap  in,  onsari- 
monious,  as  yez  moight  say, — Oh,  most  anny  time  o’  day  at  all, 
at  all,  and  thin  he’d  make  hisselfteh  home  jist  zil  the  praste, 
bless  his  swate  name, — haa  a ’riddy  tied  the  two  tehgither. 

Sharpe.  Your  Honor,  I object. 

Bridget.  Y’roner,  Abigal  didn’t  objick  at  all,  at  all. 

Judge.  Objection  overruled. 

Gooaman.  That  will  do. 

Sharpe.  No  questions. 

Bailiff.  Witness  will  step  down.  {Bridget  takes  seat?^ 

Goodman.  Miss  Lucy  Webber. 

Bailiff.  Miss  Lucy  Webber  will  now  take  the  witness  stand. 
\Lucy  obey 5?^ 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  {ObeysJ]  Lucy  Webber, 
in  full  and  complete  and  solemn,  ever-present,  palpitating  realiza- 
tion of  the  undeviating,  uncompromising,  unmitigated  fact  that 
liars  have  been  struck  by  lightning,  do  you  promise  to  tell  the 
truth,  the  whole  truth,  and  nothing  but  the  truth  while  here  on 
this  witness  stand  ? 

Lucy.  {With  great  solemnity?^  I do  so  promise,  so  help 
me,  George  Washington. 

Goodman.  You  are  personally  acquainted,  are  you  not,  with 
Mr.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty  ? 

Lucy.  {Slowly.^  1 am  personally  acquainted  with  Mr. 
Alonzo  Highty-Tighty. 

Goodman.  Do  you  remember  having  any  conversation  with 
that  gentleman,  shortly  after  Mr.  Plummer’s  failure,  in  which 
Mr.  Highty-Tighty  declared  that  Mr.  Plummer’s  failure  made 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE.  I 5 

marriage  with  Mr.  Plummer’s  daughter  quite  out  of  the  ques- 
tion ? 

Sharpa.  \Rising.\  Your  Honor,  I object  on  the  ground  that 
no  proper  foundation  has  been  laid  for  a question  of  this  char- 
acter.  It  is  hearsay  evidence.  It  is  mere  gossip.  Without 
doubt  a dozen  or  more  neighborhood  newsmongers  might  ap- 
pear here  with  evidence  quite  as  convincing  ; but  shall  precious 
time  be  so  absolutely  wasted — shall  the  court,  itself,  be  in- 
sulted by  such  old-woman-sewing-bee  gossip  ? [Resumes 
seat,] 

Goodman.  [Rising.]  Your  Honor,  1 propose  to  prove  by 
this  witness  that  defendant  did  publily  acknowledge  his  en- 
gagement to  plaintiff,  and  that  he  did  admit  to  this  lady,  whose 
reputation  for  truth  is  absolutely  above  reproach,  that  because  of 
Mr.  Plummer’s  failure  he  could  not  carry  out  his  agreement 
with  Miss  Plummer.  I am  sure  your  Honor  will  see  the  justice 
of  my  position  without  referring  to  the  celebrated  cases — Wipe- 
sides  vs.  Cornstalk,  Chase  vs.  Ketchum,  and  Fox  vs.  Gander,  in 
all  of  which  similar  questions  were  allowed. 

Judge.  Objection  overruled. 

Goodman.  [To  Lucy.]  You  may  answer  my  question. 

Lucy.  [/«  funereal  accents.]  I do  remember  having  a con- 
versation with  Mr,  Highty-Tighty  shortly  after  Mr.  Plummer’s 
failure  began  to  be  talked  about. 

Goodman.  You  may  tell  the  court  about  it. 

Lucy.  [Mournfully .]  Must  I tell  it  all  ? 

Goodman.  Tell  it  exactly  as  you  remember  it. 

Lucy.  [More  7nournfully^  I was  sitting  in  the  arbor,  and 
Mr,  Highty-Tighty  came  and  sat  close  beside  me — very  close 
with  his  arm  across  the  back  of  the  seat — and  his  fingers  tapping, 
gently  tapping,  on  my  shoulder,  and 

Mrs.  Highty-Tighty.  [Excitedly.]  She  lies.  I don’t  be- 
lieve a word  of  it. 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court. 

Mrs.  H.-T.  Well,  I don’t.  Just  look  at  her.  Do  you  sup- 
pose my  Alonzo  would  hug  a tombestone,  like  that  ? 

Bailiff.  [Jumping  up  and  down  in  his  excitement^ 
Order,  order  1 If  ye  can’t  keep  still,  yeh’ll  get  put  out. 

Lucy.  [Unmoved.]  I wasn’t  used  to  it,  never  having  had 
brothers,  and  I felt  all  warm  and — and  very  good— but  it  didn’t 
hurt  my  memory,  and  I can  tell  every  word  he  said.  “You 
mustn’t,”  I said,  “ long’s  you’re  engaged  to  Abigail.’’  “ I need 
a good  friend,”  he  replied, — “ some-one  who  will  tell  me  what 
to  do,  for  I’m  feeling  VeYy  badly.”  ‘*Well,”  I said,  “I  don’t 


i6 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


see  any  harm  in  being  your  friend,”  and  then  I snuggled  up  a 
little  closer,  for  I never  sat  that  way  before,  and  he  said  it  was 
an  act  of  true  friendship. 

Mrs.  H.-T.  Hear  that  old  hen  lie. 

Bailiff.  [Wiping  his  face  with  a red  bandanna,  while  he 
uses  the  gavel  with  the  other  hand,]  Order  in  the  court  ! 

Sharpe.  I object  to  this  testimony.  It  belongs  to  the  kin- 
dergarten class. 

Judge.  Better  let  her  tell  her  story  in  her  own  way. 

Lucy.  Then  Lonnie — I mean — Mr.  Highty-Tighty  told  me 
how  poor  he  was,  not  a penny  to  his  name,  and  he  asked  me 
how  a man  in  his  position  could  marry  a poor  wife.  “ Why,” 
said  he,  •*  neither  one  of  us  could  support  the  other,  and  who  is 
there  in  all  this  cold,  cruel  world  who  would  support  us  ? ” 

Goodman.  And  then  ? 

Lucy.  [Confused,]  Then — then — he — he  kissed  me — kissed 
my  hand 

Mrs.  H.-T.  [Starts  toward  Lucy.  Other  witnesses  hold 
her  back.]  Let  me  go  ! Let  me  go  ! I want  to  scratch  her 
eyes  out  1 

Bailiff.  [Pulls  off  rubber,  and  with  that  in  one  hand  and  . 
gavel  in  the  other,  beats  a tune  on  his  desk,  and  chants.] 
Order  in  the  court,  order  in  the  court,  order  in  the  court  ! Out 
will  go  you  all  unless  we  have  it.  [ Wipes  brow.  Speaks  in  < 
an  aside.]  When  I sing  they  think  they’ve  got  to  mind.  5 

Lucy.  And  1 said  •*  For  shame,  sir,  and  you  engaged  to 
Abigail,”  and  then  he  said,  “ But,  my  dear  little  friend,  I am  not  t 
engaged  to  Abigail.  I could  not  do  her  such  a cruel  injustice, 
and  when  I learned  of  her  father’s  loss ” *! 

Sharpe.  [Excitedly.]  I object ! I object,  I say  ! I object  ! ' 

Lucy.  [Raising  her  voice,]  “ I severed  myself  from  Abi-  | 

gail ” [ While  she  screams  this,  the  Judge  s lips  work  ’ 

violently  but  no  words  are  heard.] 

Gh>odmail.  The  calm  and  dignified,  unimpeachable,  irre-  | 
proachablc  and  infallible  council  for  the  defendant  may  now  j 
take  the  witness.  I 

Sharpe.  [Suavely?^  I should  like  to  ask.  Miss  Webber,  [ 
although  after  having  seen  you  the  question  seems  superfluous,  t 
but  just  to  satisfy  these  good  people,  who  do  not  understand  ! 
you  as  I do,  I should  like  to  ask  if  you  believe  in  flirtation. 

Lucy.  [Primly.]  No,  sir,  I do  not. 

Sharpe.  It  is  exactly  what  I knew  you  would  say,  and  in 
view  oAhat  fact,  I feel  that  my  next  question  must  appear  ab- 
solutely unpardonable.  [Lucy  smiles.]  But  after  the  testi- 


BREACPi-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


17 


I 

I mony  you  have  just  given,  you  know,  my  dear  young  lady,  there 
are  always  those  who  seem  to  take  a malicious  delight  in  mis- 
judging— ah — girls,  and  tor  your  own  sake  I must  have  your 
answer  to  this  question.  confidentially Have  you 

ever  flirted  ? 

Lucy.  [Indignantly.']  No,  sir,  I never  have. 

Sharpe.  And  you  really  could  not  say,  from  personal  experi- 
ence, vm2Lt  a flirtation  was  like  ? 

Lucy.  I’ve  read  in  novels. 

Sharpe.  [Insinuatingly.]  But  from  personal  experience  ? 

Lucy.  And  lots  of  girls  have  told  me. 

Sharpe.  But  from  personal  experience  ? 

Lucy.  From  personal  experience  I don’t  know  anything 
I about  it.  [Witnesses  nudge  one  a7iother,  and  giggle.] 

I Sharps.  [Ecstatically Such  virgin  purity  and  honor  I 
j Do  you  know,  my  dear  young  lady,  that  is  exactly  what  I knew 
I you  would  say  ? Now  let  a cruel,  critical  world  do  its  worst, 

I by  your  own  testimony  you  stand  vindicated.  [Lucy  crosses 
1 her  hands  on  her  breast  and  wears  seraphic  smile.]  Now, 

I being  as  innocent  as  you  are  of  the  unprincipled  wiles  of  de- 
j signing  men,  might  it  not  be  barely  possible  that  Alonzo  Highty- 
I Tighty  was  flirting  with  you  ? 

Lucy.  [Violently.]  Nothing  of  the  sort. 

Sharpe.  But  he  kissed  your  hand  and  your  cheek,  and  the 
little  soft  double  chin. 

Lucy.  [Rising  angrily.]  You  insult  me,  sir  ; I never  told 
you  that. 

Sharpe.  [Soothingly.]  There,  there,  don’t  get  excited.  No 
one  has  anything  but  admiration  for  so  exalted  a character,  and 
it  is  to  a lady’s  credit  not  to  know  when  a man  is  flirting  with 
her.  As  for  the  kissing,  you  are  not  to  blame  for  that,  and  by 
George,  [ With  a long  look  of  admiration.]  I don’t  know  that 
he  is  either.  Had  I been  in  his  place.  Pm  not  sure  that  even  I 
could  have  resisted  the  temptation.  [Lucy  simpers?^  And  so 
he  kissed  the  little  hand,  and  just  brushed  his  moustache  across 
the  double  chin. 

Lucy.  No,  the  moustache  came  close  to  my  mouth.  [Stops^ 
confused.] 

Mrs.  H.-T.  [Breaks  from  friends,  and  runs  toward  Lucy.] 
Oh,  just  let  me  get  my  hands  on  her  hair  ! 

Abigail.  [ Wailing.]  Oh,  Alonzo,  Alonzo,  to  think  of  such 
perfidy.  [ Weeps,  and  her  mother  hastens  to  her  side  with 
smelling  salts.] 

Bailiff.  [Drags  Mrs.  H.-T.  back  to  her  chair  and  seats  her 
2 


1 8 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


•with  more  force  than  gallantry .'\  There  ! Now  stay  put 
[Hurries  to  desk,  and  uses  gavel,]  Or-r-r-der  in  the  court  ! 

Sharpe*  But  you  didn’t  think  he  was  proposing  marriage  i 
[IVith  sudden  change  of  voice,]  Be  careful,  now.  Did  yo'j 
think  he  was  proposing  marriage,  and  your  poor  dear  frend 
Abigail 

Lucy.  [Frightened.]  I — I didn’t  know. 

Sharpe.  Be  careful  now.  Remember  that  your  reputa- 
tion— 

Goodman.  Your  Honor,  is  this — this  cad  to  browbeat  my 
witness  to  his  fiendish  satisfaction  ? 

Judge.  [Rousing from  caUnap.]  No  browbeating  of  wit- 
nesses. 

Sharpe.  [Softly  1]  Answer  my  question.  Miss  Webber. 

Lucy.  I — you  see — I didn’t  know  what  might  happen  if  his 
engagement  to  Abigail  was — was  really  broken. 

Sharpe.  [Rubbing  his  hands  with  satisfaction.]  That  will 
do. 

Bailiff,  Witness  may  step 

Goodman.  One  moment,  please.  Miss  Webber,  you  never 
had  any  doubts,  I presume,  as  to  Mr.  Highty-Tighty’s  engage- 
ment to  Miss  Plummer  ? 

Lucy.  Not  until — until  he  kissed  me — and  then 

Goodman.  That  will  do.  , 

Sharpe.  And  then  he  told  you,  did  he  not,  that  he  had  never 
been  engaged  to  her  ? ^ 

Goodman.  Your  Honor,  I object,  on  the  ground  that  he  hast 
confused  che  witness,  and  is  practically  dictating  her  replies.  ? 

Judge.  I really  do  not  see  it  that  way.  Objection  over- 
ruled. 

Sharpe.  [To  Lucy,]  You  may  answer  my  question.  Did 
he  not  tell  you  that  he  had  never  been  really  engaged  to  Abigail; 
Plummer  ? ^ 

Lucy.  He  said  he  had  never  loved  her — [Goodman  looks', 
triumphant,  witnesses  for  his  side  cldp  their  hands.  Abigail 
faints;  her  mother  attends  her.  Mrs.  H.-l . jumps  up  ank\ 
down  and  claps  her  hands  for  joy.  Sharpe  frowns.  Bailijfi. 
tries  in  vain  to  obtain  order.]  never  loved  her,  but  that  she, 
loved  him  to  distraction^ — [There  is  a pronounced  se7isaiion  in 
favor  of  Sharpe,]  distraction,  and  that  the  fact  of  her  father’s 
wealth  had  influenced  him  more  than  it  s\\o\i\^—\A7iother  sud- 
den change  in  attitude  oj  listeners.]  more  than  it  should,  but 
now  he  knew  what  love  was. 

Mrs  H -T.  He  meant  me. 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


19 

Lucy.  [/«  loud,  even  tones,  with  finger  pointed  toward  Mrs, 
H.-T.\  He  meant  me,  but  she  had  more  money  than  I.  {Mrs, 
H,- 1\  faints.  There  is  general  confusion,  during  which  Bailiff 
leads  Lucy  to  her  seat,  marching  as  if  he  had  arrested  her. 
Then  he  resumes  his  place,  calls  order,  and  nods  to  Goodman, 
who  has  been  talking  without  being  heardf\ 

Bail  ff.  Order  in  the  court  ! Mrs.  Charity  Plummer  will  now 
take  the  witness  stand.  {Mrs,  P,  obeys,'\ 

Judg*e.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  {Mrs,  P.  obeys,^  Mrs. 
Charity  Plummer,  do  you,  in  mournful  recollection  of  the  four 
husbands  whom  you  have  buried,  and  the  other  poor  wanderers 
from  whom  you  have  been  divorced,  do  you  solemnly  promise 
to  prevaricate — nit — while  before  this  honorable  body  ? 

Mrs.  P.  I do,  and  I’d  like  to  say,  right  here,  that  I wasn’t 
the  one  who  broke  the  promises  prior  to  those  half  dozen  di- 
vorce cases. 

Goodman.  Mrs.  Plummer,  you  may  state  your  relationship 
to  the  plaintiff. 

Mrs.  P.  I am  Abigail’s  mother.  Abigail  is  my  daughter. 

Goodman.  You  are  personally  acquainted  with  Mr.  Highty- 
Tighty,  are  you  not  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Yes,  I am,  but  I wish  he’d  gone  to  Tophet  before 
ever  we  saw  him. 

G30dman.  When  did  you  first  see  him  ? 

Mrs.  P.  In  1891, — I mean  1901  — 1709 — I don’t  mean  that 
at  all.  He  wasn’t  more’n  two  minutes  old  when  I first  saw 
him.  A nasty,  little,  red,  squirming,  squalling  young  one. 
{General  laughter,  Highty-Tighty  looks  confused,^ 

Bailiff.  Order  ! I say,  order,  order,  order  ! 

Goodman.  You’ve  known  him,  then,  ever  since  he  was  born  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Yes,  he  was  a dirty-nosed,  freckled-faced,  lazy  imp 
of  a boy. 

Sharpe.  Your  Honor,  I object.  I cannot  have  my  client 
abused  in  this  manner. 

Judge.  The  witness  will  cork  up  her  adjectives,  or  admit  the 
gag.  I Bailiff  waves  gag  ostentatiously ,\ 

Goodman.  As  a young  man,  he  was  more  prepossessing, 
was  he  not  t 

Mrs.  P.  The  girls  seemed  to  think  so,  but  to  me  he  always 
looked  like  a lazy,  good-for-nothing  pup.  {Claps  hand  over 
her  mouth,  and  looks  at  Bailiff  uneasily.  He  dangles  the  gag 
in  the  air  over  his  desk,  I mean  he  isn’t  the  sort  of  man  I 
should  have  wanted  to  marry.  And  when  he  asked  if  he  might 
have  my  daughter 


20 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Gtoodman.  When  did  Mr.  Highty-Tighty  ask  permission  to 
pay  attention  to  Miss  Abigail  ? 

Mrs.  P.  He  never  asked  permission. 

Goodman.  But  I thought  you  said 

Mrs.  P.  He  has  paid  attention  to  her  ever  since  she  weaned 
him  from  the  bottle  and  taught  him  how  to  drink  out  of  a teacup. 

Goodman.  But  you  say  that  he  asked  permission. 

Mrs.  P.  He  came  in  one  evening,  like  a great  call,  and  said 
he  and  Abigail  were  engaged  to  be  married,  and  would  I give 
my  consent.  And  I said,  “ Oh,  get  out  of  my  way.  You  got 
engaged  without  my  consent,  and  I presume  you  would  marry 
without  it  if  I withheld  it,  so  you  might  as  well  consider  it 
yours.” 

Goodman.  And  when  was  this  ? 

Mrs.  P.  In  1899.  keep 

us  from  being  lonesome,  and  I spent  fifty  dollars  fixing  up  the 
front  room.  They  said  they  were  going  to  be  married  right 
away,  and  so  nearly  three  hundred  dollars  went  into  clothes  for 
Abigail,  [S^ops  sudUenly  as  she  catches  sight  of  the  gag 
which  the  bailiff  is  again  dangling  ostentatiously,  then  turns, 
angrily,  to  Judge.^  Why  don’t  you  make  him  put  that  thing 
down  ? I haven’t  said  anything,  have  I 1 Didn’t  you  want  me 
to  tell  what  I knew  about  this  case  ? 

Judge.  [Leaning forward.^  We  want  you,  Mrs.  Plummer, 
to  answer  the  questions  asked  you  in  the  most  direct  manner 
possible. 

Mrs.  P.  Well,  make  him  put  that  old  gag  down.  Huh  ! 
Scoggs  ! Ben  Scoggs  ! Why,  I’ve  done  sugar  up  in  rags  for 
him  many  and  many  a time. 

Goodman.  [Hastily  interposing^]  Then  you  are  prepared 
to  swear,  Mrs.  Plummer,  that  in  1900  Mr.  Highty-Tighty  made 
a formal  application  for  your  daughter’s  hand  in  marriage  ? 

Mrs.  P.  I could  swear  it  on  a stack  of  bibles  a mile  high. 

Goodman.  You  are  willing  to  swear  that,  with  his  knowl- 
edge and  consent,  you  then  began  making  preparations  for  the 
wedding  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Yes,  and  I lent  him  forty-five  dollars  to  get  a wed- 
ding suit,  and  he  hasn’t  paid  it  back  yet.  [Sensation  in  the 
court  room.  Bailiff  restores  order. ^ 

Goodman.  And  then  t 

Mrs.  P.  And  then  we  heard  that  he  had  eloped  with  Jennie 
Briggs  and  married  her. 

Goodman.  Without  breaking  his  engagement  with  your 
daughter  ? 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


21 


Mrs.  P.  ^Sarcastically.^  That  was  the  honorable  gentle- 
man’s very  honorable  way  of  breaking  his  engagement. 

Goodman.  My  high-minded  and  infallible  opponent  may 
now  take  the  witness. 

Sharpe.  You  call  yourself  Mrs.  Charity  Plummer,  I believe. 
Mrs.  P.  I do. 

Sharpe.  Are  you  sure  that  is  your  name  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Why  shouldn’t  1 be  sure  of  it  ? 

Sharpe.  But  are  you  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Of  course  I am. 

Sharpe.  Now,  don't  be  in  a hurry.  Take  plenty  of  time  to 
think.  Are  you  sure  your  name  is  Mrs.  Charity  Plummer  ? 

Mrs.  P.  I Co7iftised.'\  I — I 

Sharpe.  How  were  you  christened  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Charity  Kylekiover. 

Sharpe.  Then  you  married — whom  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Henry  Peterson. 

Sharpe.  And  he  died  ? 

Mrs.  P.  Yes. 

Sharpe.  And  then 

Mrs.  P.  I married  Joe  Plummer. 

Sharpe.  And  he  died  1 

Mrs.  P.  Ran  away. 

Sharpe.  And  you  got  a divorce,  and  married  ? 

Mrs.  P.  See  here,  John  Goodman,  am  1 on  trial  for  breach- 
of-promise,  or  is  Lon  Highty-Tighty  ? 

Goodman.  [Rising.]  Your  Honor,  I object  to  this  line  of 
cross-examination.  It  is  irrelevant,  immaterial,  and  impudent. 
We  are  not  here  to  dissect  Mrs.  Plummer’s  character,  but  to 
ascertain  to  what  extent  the  affections  of  Mrs.  Plummer’s 
daughter  have  been  damaged. 

Sharpe.  [Rising,]  Your  Honor,  it  is  right  and  proper  that 
I should  know  who  I am  cross-examining.  Why  it  is  yet  to  be 
proven  that  this  good  lady  ever  had  a daughter,  and  I have 
proof  that  Miss  Abigail  Plummer  is  not  the  daughter  of  Joe 
Plummer,  who  was  this  lady’s  second  husband.  I wish  to  prove 
that  Charity  Kylekiover  married,  successively,  Henry  Peterson, 
Joe  Plummer,  George  Rockwood,  John  Bowers,  Willis  Donald- 
son, Maurice  Black,  and  Charles  Austin  ; that  some  of  her  hus- 
bands are  dead,  and  some  living 

Mrs.  P.  I admit  all  that.  Now  you  shut  up.  [Laughter 
and  hisses.] 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court  ! 

Judge.  Objection  is  overruled  ; but  the  council  for  the  dc- 


22 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


fendant  will  please  understand  that  time  is  not  to  be  wasted  in 
trying  to  prove  what  the  witness  has  already  admitted.  She 
married  all  the  men,  as  per  list  to  be  hereafter  submitted.  Now 
proceed. 

Sharpe.  Why  do  you  call  yourself  by  the  second  husband’s 
name  in  preference  to  that  you  bore  when  living  with  the 
seventh  ? 

Mrs-  P.  I got  permission  from  the  court  when  I was  divorced 
from  Charles  Austin.  In  studying  them  from  a safe  distance  I 
considered  Joe  Plummer  the  most  likely  one  of  the  lot,  and  he 
may  come  back  to  me  any  day. 

Sharpe.  Miss  Abigail  is  your  daughter  ? 

Mrs.  P,  [Impatient ly.]  Heavens  to  Betsey,  yes.  [Speak- 
ing very  fasti]  She  is  my  first  husband’s  child — all  the  child  I 
ever  had.  She’s  had  measles,  scarlet  fever,  whooping-cough 
and  mumps,  and  she’s  been  vaccinated  three  times.  Anything 
more  you  want  to  know  ? 

Sharpe.  Yes,  Mrs.  Plummer,  there  is  one  thing  more  I want 
to  know,  and  that  is  this  : By  what  right  did  you  impose  Abi- 
gail Peterson  on  a credulous  and  unsuspecting  world  as  Abigail 
Plummer  ? 

Mrs.  P.  That’s  easy.  Joe  Plummer  adopted  her  as  his  own.  ^ 
[Mrs.  P.  looks  triumphant.  Sharpe  looks  crestfallen.  Every-  ; 
oody  laughs.  Judge  smiles  behind  his  hand.  Bailiff  goes  ■ 
off  into  silent  paroxysm  of  laughter.]  It  was  all  done  by  law, ' 
Mr.  Joe  Sharpe,  just  as  good  law  as  anything  you’ve  got  in  your 
head,  and  that’s  why  I got  the  court  to  give  me  back  the  name| 
of  Plummer.  I wanted  to  wear  the  same  name  as  Abigail. ,, 
[Before  the  bailiff  has  quieted  the  court  room^  Mrs.  Plumjner 
walks  to  her  seat,  with  her  chin  held  well  forward?^ 

G-OOdman.  [With  nod  to  Bailiff?^  Miss  Abigail  Plummer. 

Bailiff.  Miss  Abigail  Plummer  will  now  take  the  witness  - 
stand.  [Goodman  escorts  Abigail  to  seati] 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  [Abigail  obeys.]  Abi- \ 
gail  Peterson  Plummer,  do  you,  in  presence  of  these  witnesses  | 
here  assembled,  and  in  full  and  unwavering  knowledge  of  the  ‘ 
awful  fact  that  it  takes  two  to  make  a wedding,  do  you  agree," 
to  tell  as  much  of  the  truth  as  seems  consistent  with  this  even- ! 
ing’s  entertainment  ? ' 

Abigail.  [Fervently.]  I do.  Oh,  how  I do  ! 

Goodman  Miss  Plummer,  I wish  you  would  tell  the  court 
about  this  affair  just  as  you  have  told  it  to  me. 

Abigail.  Oh,  I can’t.  I don’t  know  where  to  begin.  It  is 
all  so  terrible,  and  so  very — so  '^ery  hopeless. 


*.ivEACH-OF-PKOMISE  case,  23 

Goodman.  When  did  you  first  beg^n  to  think  of  Mr.  Highty- 
Tighty  as  dearer  than  a friend — er — eh — a brother  ? 

Abigail.  I think  I have  always  looked  upon  him  as  belong- 
ing to  me.  You  see,  I am  a little  older  than  Alonzo,  and  it  was 
my  pleasure  and  privilege  to  teach  him  to  walk  and  talk,  and 
to  protect  him,  while  small,  from  any  danger.  To  care  for  him 
and  make  him  happy  became  my  mission  in  life,  and  he  always 
said  he  should  not  consider  life  worth  living  if  it  were  not  for 
me.  Why,  only  a little  while  before  he — emotion?^  he 
married,  he  sent  me  this.  \Takes  letter  fro7n  pocket,  and 
hands  it  to  Goodinan^ 

Goodman.  \Reading  aloud.]  “ My  dearest,  sweetest,  most 
precious  little  Abigail.  \^Mrs.  H.-T.  shows  sig7is  of  rising 
exciteinent.]  We  must  be  married.  There  is  no  other  way  in 
which  I can  give  you  back  a modicum  of  the  tender  care  you  so 
generously  lavished  upon  me  in  our  childhood  days.  We  are 
children  no  longer,  my  darling,  and  the  world  loves  to  gossip. 
The  only  way  it  will  let  me  care  for  you  and  make  you  happy  is 
for  me  to  give  you  the  protection  of  my  name,  and  the  sooner 
you  will  consent  to  marry  me  the  happier  you  will  make  your 
adoring  Lonnie.”  \Great  excitement^  Hum  1 It  is  certainly 
as  ardent  an  epistle  as  one  could  well  desire. 

Mrs.  H.-T.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty,  did  you  write  that  stuff 
to  that — that  female  ? [She  is  surrounded,  and  quieted.] 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court  ! 

Judge.  Bailiff,  if  order  cannot  be  obtained  in  any  other  way, 
you  may  clear  the  court  room. 

Abigail.  Let  me  have  it.  [Reaches  for  letter?^  It  is  very 
precious  to  me.  [Kisses  it  a7td  puts  it  in  pocket.] 

Goodman.  Then  you  bear  no  ill-feeling  toward  Mr.  Highty- 
Tighty  ? 

Abigail.  None,  whatever.  I shall  always  love  him.  He 
was  sent  me  as  a mission  in  life.  I could  have  made  a man  of 
him,  [Suppressed  laughter^  and  I cannot  love  the  creature 
who  stole  him  from  me.  She  did  not  do  it  for  love  of  him,  but 
for  love  of  his  money,  and  in  bringing  this  trial  I punished  her 
in  the  only  way  she  would  feel.  [ While  Abigail  makes  this 
speech,  Goodman  tries  to  make  her  stop,  but  she  pays  no  at- 
teiition  to  his  pant07nimic  warning.] 

Goodman.  When  you  heard  of  Mr,  Highty-Tighty’s  mar- 
riage what  effect  did  it  have  on  your  physical  condition 

Abigail.  I have  been  a wreck  from  that  moment.  The 
doctors  call  it  nervous  prostration.  I know  my  heart  is  lacer- 
ated. [Sobs.]  He  is  all  I have  ever  had  to  love.  I have  been 


24 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


robbed  of  my  mission.  I have  nothing  to  live  for.  Without 
me,  he  will  be  like  a blighted  rosebud — he  will  never  grow  into 
a real  manly  man — and  to  witness  his  rapid  dissolution  will 
break  my  heart — \Clasps  hands  over  heart.] — will  break  my 
poor  heart  into  quivering,  suffering  smithereens.  [Intense  ex- 
citement among  other  witnesses.]  I cannot  bear  it.  [ Wildly.] 
and  I will  not.  Give  me  some  poison, — some  chloroform — 
plant  a bullet  in  my  heart!  [Mrs.  Plummer  rushes  to  her 
daughter  s assistance.]  Oh,  put  me  out  of  this  misery,  for  I 
long  to  be  at  rest.  [Sinks  back  in  faint.  Abigails  witnesses 
weep.  Bailiff  and  Goodman  carry  her  out  of  room,  her  tnother 
following  closely.  All  those  who  remain  talk  together  in  low 
tones,  and  excitedly.  When  Goodman  afid  Bailiff  return 
there  is  a sudden  hush,  and  Jane  Walshl s voice  is  plainly 
heard.  ] 

Jane.  Td  like  teh  see  the  man  as  could  hurt  my  heart. 
[General  laughter.] 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court. 

Goodman.  Plaintiff  rests. 

Sharpe.  [Rising.]  Your  Honor,  it  grieves  me  to  appear 
here,  against  a lady,  and  in  a case  like  this.  I had  a mother, 
sir,  and  because  of  her,  I reverence  womanhood,  and  deplore 
any  departure  from  that  womanly  purity  and  modesty  which  in 
her  dear  heart  found  its  most  congenial  home.  But,  your 
Honor,  my  watchword  is  justice — justice,  sir, — absolute  justice, 
and  I cannot  see  a man  abused,  even  though  the  abuse  be 
heaped  upon  him  by  one  of  the  gentler  sex.  Your  Honor,  my 
client,  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty,  has  been  most  shamefully  treated, 
and  by  one  from  whom  he  had  every  right  to  expect  friendly 
consideration.  Before  we  have  finished  our  examination  of 
these  witnesses  it  will  be  proven  to  the  entire  satisfaction  of  all 
concerned  that  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty  has  never  been  anything 
less  than  a gentleman  in  his  treatment  of  Miss  Plummer,  that 
he  was  released  from  his  unfortunate  relationship  with  her,  by 
her  own  act,  and  that  when  he  married  the  charming  lady  of 
his  heart  he  was  free  from  all  other  entanglements.  To  quote 
from  my  esteemed  contemporary,  in  his  brilliant  opening  ad- 
dress will  serve  my  purpose  nicely,  and  relieve  you  from  the 
necessity  of  listening  to  sentences  less  perfectly  framed.  [Re- 
fers to  notes.]  The  heart,”  he  said,  “is  our  most  treasured 
gift  from  God.  From  the  smallest  insect  up  to  man — the  most 
perfect  of  God’s  creatures — the  heart  reigns  supreme  in  every 
living  body.”  Then,  you  remember,  he  told  how  necessary  is 
the  heart  to  every  living  organism,  how  desirable  that  it  should 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


25 


be  perfect,  and  how,  with  a broken  heart  the  body  is  soon  re- 
duced to  a condition  in  which  it  is  only  good  for  fertilizing  pur- 
poses. In  all  that  glowing  rhapsody,  your  Honor,  there  is  not 
one  word  that  any  thoughtful  man  would  care  to  dispute.  It  is 
as  true  as  truth,  itself.  But,  your  Honor,  my  learned  opponent 
did  not  carry  his  argument  to  any  legitimate  conclusion.  He 
failed  to  convince  us  that  the  female  heart  should  be  protected, 
and  the  male  heart  wantonly  ruined.  He  failed  to  make  us 
understand  that  the  heart  of  one  person — providing  she  hap- 
pened to  be  his  client — was  of  greater  value  than  the  hearts  of 
two  persons  who  happened,  we  will  say,  to  employ  me.  Is  it 
because  he  believes  the  world  to  be  in  need  of  fertilizers  that  he 
is  willing  to  sacrifice  two  hearts  instead  of  one  ? The  very 
thought  is  an  insult  to  the  intelligence  of  the  court.  Your 
Honor,  I stand  for  justice.  I believe  a man’s  heart  is  as  valu- 
able as  a woman’s  heart,  any  day,  and  that  there  is  as  much 
reason  for  protecting  men  from  designing  women  as  there  is  for 
protecting  women  from  designing  men.  That  my  client  suf- 
fered for  years  the  persecutions  of  a designing  woman,  I am 
now  prepared  to  prove  by  the  help  of  witnesses  whose  testi- 
mony could  not  possibly  be  impeached.  [ To  Bailiff,''^  Call  Mr. 
Highty-Tighty.  wiping  perspiration  fro7n  brow.\ 

Bailiff.  Mr.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty  will  now  take  the  wit- 
ness stand.  [ Alonzo  obeys,\ 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  [Alofizo  obeys.]  Alonzo 
Highty-Tighty,  you  understand,  do  you  not,  that  a chemical 
oxidation  ot  food  lies  at  the  basis  of  all  vital  activity  ? [Alonzo 
nods,  and  supports  right  elbow  in  left  ha7id.  Then,  will  you 
swear  by  the  protoplasm  from  which  was  evolved  your  monkey 
ancestors  that  you  will  tell  the  truth,  while  in  this  court  room, 
— the  truth,  and  nothing  but  the  truth  ? 

Alonzo.  I most  gladly  embrace  this  opportunity  to  swear. 
[Draws  a long  breath.]  Dammit. 

Sharpe.  Mr.  Highty-Tighty,  you  may  tell  the  court,  if  you 
please,  how  long  you  have  known  Miss  Abigail  Plummer 
{Abigail  and  mother  return  to  their  places.] 

Alonzo.  Thirty  years. 

Sharpe.  How  old  were  you  when  you  first  met  her  ? 

Alonzo.  I cannot  say  from  personal  recollection,  but  ac- 
cording to  what  I have  been  told,  I was  two  weeks  old  at  that 
first  meeting,  and  she  was  celebrating  her  tenth  birthday.  My 
mother  jokingly  offered  me  to  her  as  a birthday  gift,  and  from 
that  moment  she  regarded  me  as  her  especial  property. 

Sharpe.  And  how,  may  I ask,  did  you  regard  her  ? 


26 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Alonzo.  As  a sort  of  combination  friend  and  foster-mother, 

I went  to  her  with  all  my  troubles  as  freely  as  I went  to  my 
mother. 

Sharpe.  When  did  you  first  realize  that  her  feeling  for  you 
was  of  a more  ardent  nature  than  were  your  sentiments  toward 
her  ? 

Alonzo.  When  I returned  from  Alaska,  one  year  ago. 

Abigail.  {Moaning^^  Oh,  how  dreadfully  my  poor  darling 
lies.  That’s  what  comes  of  living  with 

Bailiff.  Order  in  the  court. 

Abigail.  [/«  loud  whisper^  That  female. 

Sharpe.  And  when  you  discovered  that  ? 

Alonzo.  I was  simply  dumfounded.  I did  not  know  what 
to  do.  I wanted  to  kill  myself.  I felt  that  I couldn’t  hurt  that 
poor  creature’s  feelings,  she  who  had  been  my  best  friend  for  so 
many  years.  It  was  a terrible  predicament,  sir,  a terrible 
predicament.  There  seemed  but  one  course  that  I could 
honorably  pursue,  and  that  was  to  ask  her  to  marry  me.  The 
letter  she  gave  Mr.  Goodman  to  read  shows  how  I tried  to  act 
up  to  that  conviction  ; but  you  will  notice  that  it  contains  no 
word  of  love.  I could  honorably  ask  her  to  marry  me,  but  I 
could  not  in  honor,  declare  that  I loved  her  as  a man  should 
love  his  wife.  I had  thought  of  her  too  long  as  a darling  old 
foster-mother. 

Sharpe.  Then  you  admit  your  engagement  to  Miss 
Plummer  ? 

Alonzo.  I do. 

Sharpe.  And  then  ? 

Alonzo.  Then  I had  the  sweet  misfortune  to  fall  in  love. 
\Looks  at  his  wife  and  smiles.  She  throws  a hiss.]  It  came 
upon  me  quite  unexpectedly,  like  a blow  from  an  angel’s  wing. 
Abigail  saw  that  1 was  unhappy,  and  asked  the  reason,  and  I , 
told  her.  Perhaps  I should  not  have  done  that,  but  I have 
always  gone  to  her  with  my  troubles,  you  know.  She  taught  < 
me  to  do  so.  It  had  become  the  habit  of  a lifetime.  ^ 

Sharpe.  And  then  ? ) 

Alonzo.  She  became  quite  angry,  and  said  some  hard  j 
things  about  Mrs.  Highty-Tighty  ; or  Miss  Briggs,  as  she  was 
then  called  ; but  I bore  with  her  patiently,  knowing  that  she  ‘ 
suffered.  It  was  terrible  to  me  to  think  that  she  suffered,  and 
I regretted  having  done  what  she  had  taught  me  to  believe  was 
right.  I think  now  that  it  would  have  been  better  had  I de- 
ceived her. 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE,  2/ 

Sharpe.  Did  you  ask  to  be  released  from  your  engagement 
to  her  ? 

Alonzo.  Oh,  no  ; nor  had  I any  thought  of  breaking  my 
word  to  her.  I had  fully  decided  that  the  only  honorable  way 
for  me  was  to  marry  Abigail,  and  suffer  in  silence. 

Sharpe.  Then  why  did  you  tell  her  of  your  love  ? Please 
make  that  very  clear  to  the  court. 

Alonzo.  I told  her  because  that  seemed  to  me  the  only 
honorable  course  to  pursue.  I had  never  had  a secret  that  I 
did  not  share  with  her.  She  was  my  second  mother,  you  know. 
She  had  made  me  promise  never  to  have  a secret  from  her. 
Besides,  as  my  promised  wife  she  was  entitled  to  share  my 
every  thought. 

Sharpe.  What  did  she  say  to  your  confession  ? 

Alonzo.  She  told  me  to  get  out  of  her  sight,  immediately — 
that  she  never  wanted  to  look  upon  my  face  again. 

Sharpe.  Did  you  believe  her  to  be  in  earnest  ? 

Alonzo.  Did  I believe  her  to  be  in  earnest  ? Mr,  Sharpe, 
it  is  evident  that  you  never  saw  Miss  Abigail  Plummer  in  a 
temper.  I knew  her  to  be  in  earnest,  and  I believed  that  the 
quicker  I got  out  of  her  sight  the  better  it  would  be  for  all  con- 
cerned, so  I stayed  not  on  the  order  of  my  going.  \Sarcastu 
cally^  Believe  her  to  be  in  earnest  ! 

Sharpe.  Did  you  hear  from  her  again  ? 

Alonzo.  One  week  later,  I received  a note  from  her,  asking 
me  to  call.  She  said  she  was  sorry  she  had  spoken  as  she 
did,  but  now,  after  thinking  it  all  over,  she  was  prepared  to 
discuss  the  matter  calmly  with  me. 

Sharpe.  Have  you  that  note  with  you  ? 

Alonzo.  I was  married  when  it  reached  me,  and  Mrs. 
Highty-Tighty  destroyed  it. 

Mrs.  H.-T.  You  bet  she  did.  [Bailiff  threatens  her  with 
gav€lS\ 

Sharpe.  But  if  you  had  not  been  married 

Alonzo.  If  I had  not  been  married,  I should  have  obeyed 
Abigail,  just  as  I had  always  done.  I should  have  gone  to  her, 
had  she  asked  that  our  engagement  be  renewed,  I should  have 
complied  with  her  request,  but  it  would  have  killed  me. 

Sharpe.  The  talented  limb  of  the  law  who  holds  down  the 
prosecuting  attorney’s  chair  may  now  take  the  witness. 

Gtoodman.  Mr.  Highty-Tighty,  how  long  a time  elapsed  be- 
tween Miss  Plummer’s  dismissal  of  you,  and  your  marriage  ? 

Alonzo.  Nearly  twenty-four  hours. 


28 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Goodman.  When  you  had  this  conversation  with  her  had 
you  heard  of  her  father’s  failure  ? 

Sharpe.  Objected  to  as  improper  cross-examination. 

Judge.  Objection  overruled.  Witness  may  answer  ques- 
tion. 

Alonzo.  I had  heard  of  it,  of  course,  for  it  was  common 
talk,  but  it  made  absolutely  no  difference 

Goodman.  You  are  not  required  to  do  more  than  answer 
my  questions.  How  long  before  this  conversation  with  Miss 
Plummer  had  you  heard  that  the  Klondyke  property  promised 
to  be  valuable  ? 

Sharpe.  [/Rising.]  Your  Honor,  I object.  Where  is  the 
law  that  permits  the  cross-examination  of  a witness  on  points 
not  covered  in  the  direct  examination  ? I challenge  the  attor- 
ney for  plaintiff  to  produce  such  authority. 

Judge.  In  the  opinion  of  the  court  it  is  perfectly  proper  to 
ask  any  question  that  is  designed  to  bring  out  evidence  which 
would  throw  light  upon  this  man’s  motives.  The  objection 
made  by  attorney  for  defendant  is  therefore  overruled. 

Goodman.  Before  your  confession  to  Miss  Plummer  had  you 
heard  that  the  Klondyke  property  promised  to  be  valuable  ? 

Alonzo.  {Reluctantly  ,\  Ye-es. 

Goodman.  How  long  before  ? 1 

Alonzo.  A day  or  two.  ' 

Goodman.  Will  you  swear  that  it  was  two  days  ? ' 

Alonzo.  Well,  perhaps  not  two  whole  days. 

Goodman.  Will  you  swear  that  the  letter  announcing  your: 
good  fortune  had  been  in  your  possession  thirty-six  hours  ? |,| 

Alonzo.  {Sulkily. \ I never  said  there  was  a letter. 

Goodman.  But  there  was.  I am  prepared  to  prove  it.  How 
long,  did  you  wait  after  receiving  it  before  carrying  the  good 
news  to  the  lady  to  whom  you  were  engaged  to  be  married  ? 

Alonzo.  I — I don’t  remember.  : 

Goodman.  So  ? Why,  what’s  the  matter  with  your( 
memory  ? Suppose  I help  you.  Now,  isn’t  it  a fact  that  you| 
received  that  letter  in  the  morning  mail,  that  you  immediately^ 
went  to  the  home  of  the  lady  whom  you  afterward  married,  that  , 
you  took  lunch  there,  and  that  after  lunch  you  had  that  conver-'' 
sation  with  Miss  Plummer,  every  word  of  which  you  remember' 
most  distinctly  ? 

Alonzo.  {After  a moment's  silence.]  Well,  it  may  have 
happened  that  way. 

Good  nan.  Will  you  sw'ear  that  it  did  not  happen  as  I have 
stated  1 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE.  2g 

Alonzo*  \ Angrily J]  No,  I won’t.  I have  told  you  that  I 
don’t  remember  just  how  it  did  happen. 

Goodman*  Did  you  tell  Miss  Plummer  of  yourgood  fortune? 

Alonzo*  I don’t  remember. 

Goodman.  Did  you  tell  her  you  had  lunch  with  Miss 
Briggs  ? 

Alonzo*  I don’t  remember. 

Goodman.  Your  Honor,  I haven’t  the  heart  to  further  ex- 
pose this  poor  fellow’s  failing  memory.  He  may  be  excused, 
so  far  as  I am  concerned. 

Sharpe*  One  moment,  please.  Mr.  Highty-Tighty,  will  you 
tell  the  court  how  much  you  have  received  from  your  Klondyke 
property  ? 

Alonzo.  Not  a red  cent. 

Sharpe.  And  you  really  do  not  know  whether  or  not  it  will 
ever  be  valuable  ? 

Alonzo.  I hope  it  will  be  valuable,  but  I should  hate  to  give 
a guaranty  to  that  effect. 

Sharpe.  Arc  you  in  the  habit  of  feeding  your  friends  on  false- 
hoods ? 

Alonzo.  No,  sir,  I am  not.  Of  course,  if  I had  known  that 
i was  valuable,  I should  have  told  Miss  Plummer  ; but  because 
I did  not  know,  I refrained  from  mentioning  my  hopes 

Goodman*  The  witness  seems  to  be  regaining  his  memory. 

Sharpe*  That  will  do,  Mr.  Highty-Tighty.  [Alonzo  takes 
his  seat?^  We  will  now  hear  from  Miss  Amelia  Oldgirl. 

Bailiff.  Amelia  Oldgirl  will  now  take  the  witness  stand. 
'Amelia  obeys?^ 

Judge.  Hold  up  your  right  hand.  Amelia  Oldgirl,  do  you 
jnderstand  the  nature  of  an  oath  ? 

Amelia,  {^^ggbing^  Laws,  yes.  Popper  used  them  all  his 
ife. 

I Judge.  Do  you  solemnly  swear, — notwithstanding  the  fact  it 
s wicked  to  swear, — that  you  will  tell  the  truth  while  enjoying 
^our  innings  before  this  crowd,  or  break  a corset  string  in  the 
ittempt  ? 

Amelia.  Yes,  I swear.  Oh,  how  awfully 

unny  you  are. 

Sharpe  Miss  Oldgirl,  you  are  acquainted  with  the  defendant, 
ire  you  not  ? 

Amelia  Well  I should  say  so.  Lonnie  and  I are  real  good 
riends. 

Sharpe*  Ever  been  nearer  than  friends  ? 


30 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Amelia.  Some  folks  might  think  so.  {Giggles?^  But  laws, 
I knew  Lon  didn’t  mean  anything. 

Sharpe.  He  made  love  to  you,  didn’t  he  ? 

Amelia.  \AirtlyJ\  Hugged  me  and  kissed  me  every  time 
he  saw  me,  if  no  one  was  looking. 

Mrs.  H.-T.  I don’t  believe  it  ! 

Amelia.  Might  as  well,  Mrs.  Highty-Tighty.  There  are 
girls  scattered  all  over  the  county  who’d  tell  you  the  same  thing. 
But  laws,  Lonnie  didn’t  mean  anything  by  it  ; it’s  just  his  way. 
Sharpe.  The  girls  didn’t  object,  did  they  } 

AmeUa.  Why  should  they  object  It  was  good  pratice  for 
them,  and  they  knew  that  when  the  right  fellow  came  along 
they’d  understand  just  what  to  do.  I never  saw  a fellow  who 
knew  more  about  hugging  and  kissing  than  Lon  Highty-Tighty. 
Mrs.  H.-T.  She  ought  to  be  arrested  for  slander. 

Amelia.  I guess  Lonnie  hasn’t  practised  much  on  his  wife, 
else  she’d  know  there  wasn’t  any  slander  in  that.  {Witnesses 
laugh?^  *• 

Bailiff.  Order,  order,  order  ! Confound  a woman’s  tongue, 
anyhow  ! 

Sharpe.  Have  you  ever  talked  about  Lonnie’s  methods  of 
hugging  and  kissing  with  other  girls  } 

Amelia.  Oh  dozens  of  times. 

Sharpe.  And  they  all  understood  that  he  didn’t  mean  any-i 
thing  by  his  little  attentions  .?  I 

Amelia.  All  of  my  friends  understood  it.  I have  heard  that 
some  girls  took  him  seriously,  but  1 never  happened  to  meel‘ 
any  of  them  except  Abigail  Plummer  and  Lucy  Webber.  Why,* 
we  didn’t  think  any  more  of  kissing  Lon  Highty-Tighty  than  we 
did  of  kissing  our  poodles.  [Suppressed  laughter.  Alonzo 
looks  indignant. 

Sharpe.  Witness  is  ready  for  cross-examination.  ; 

Goodman.  I have  no  questions.  [Amelia  takes  seat.]  | 
Sharpe.  Miss  Mercy  Love.  ( 

Bailiff.  Mercy  Love  will  now  take  the  witness  stand.j 
[Mercy  obeys?^  I 

Judge.  Mercy  Love,  hold  up  your  right  hand.  [Obeys.} 
As  you  believe  in  Jack’s  Sprat’s  inability  to  partake  of  fat,  and 
the  cow’s  performance  in  jumping  over  the  moon,  do  you' 
solemnly  swear  to  steer  clear  of  falsehood  while  undergoing  the 
coming  examination  ? 

Mercy.  [Sharply.]  I do. 

Sharpe.  Miss  Love,  are  you  personally  acquainted  with  Miss 
Jane  Walsh  ? 


I 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


31 


ITercy.  I am. 

Sbarpe.  What  is  her  reputation  for  truth  and  veracity  in  the 
neighborhood  where  she  lives  ? 

Mercy.  Pretty  good  when  there’s  nothing  at  stake. 

Sharpe.  But  when  there  is  something  at  stake  ? 

Mercy.  Wouldn’t  believe  her  under  oath. 

Jane.  {Starting  forward.']  You  wouldn’t,  hey  ? Well, 
you’ll  change  your  mind  before  I get  through  with  you. 
{Bailiff  catches  Jane  and  forces  her  into  her  seat,  amidst 
great  excitement  j then  he  rushes  frantically  back  to  his 
desk,  picks  up  his  gavel,  and  calls  for  order.'] 

Sharpe.  You  heard  the  testimony  given  in  this  court  by  Miss 
Walsh  with  respect  to  Mr.  Highty-Tighty 

Mercy.  All  bosh.  She  wanted  Highty-Tighty,  herself,  and 
hated  Abigail  until  he  married  another  girl. 

Jane.  She  ought  to  be  burned  alive. 

Abigail.  In  hot  oil. 

Bailiff.  Order  ! [ Works  his  mouth  violently,  in  a vain  at- 

tempt to  repeat  the  word.] 

Judge.  {To  Bailiff,]  If  you  can’t  keep  order  in  this  court 
room,  you  must  clear  the  room  of  all  witnesses  who  are  not 
actually  testifying.  {Bailiff  becomes  desperate  and,  catching 
up  the  gag,  starts  for  Jane,  who  does  not  see  him  coming,] 

Jane.  I won’t  leave  this  room.  Judge  Wright,  while  that  old 
Sapphira  is  telling  lies  about  me.  {Shakes  her  fist  at  Mercy  ^ 
I’m  going  to  have  her  up  for  slander.  I’m — I’m — {Bailiff  comes 
up  behind  Jane  and  gags  her,  while  the  trial  proceeds.] 

Goodman.  I protest  against  the  admission  of  all  this  testi- 
mony and  move  that  it  be  stricken  out.  The  admissions  made 
by  Mr.  Highty-Tighty,  himself,  sufficiently  corroborate  the 
testimony  ot  Miss  Walsh,  and  nothing  whatever  is  to  be  gained 
by  this  base  attempt  to  impeach  her. 

Sharpe.  Your  Honor,  he  calls  me  base.  Must  I be  patient 
under  insult  while  in  this  court-room  ? 

Judge.  The  attorneys  on  both  sides  must  confine  themselves 
to  moderate  language,  moderately  expressed,  or  be  fined  for 
contempt  of  court.  The  examination  of  the  witness  may  pro- 
ceed. 

Sharpe.  Miss  Love,  are  you  also  personally  acquainted  with 
Miss  Lucy  Webber  ? 

Mercy.  I am. 

Sharpe.  You  heard  her  testimony  in  this  court-room,  did 
you  not  ? 

Mercy.  I did. 


32 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


Sharpe.  Well  ? 

Mercy.  Wouldn't  believe  her  under  oath.  \Growing  ex- 
citement in  court  room,^  Lon  Highty-Tighty  might  have  flirted 
with  her — any  man  could  who  wants  to — but  no  man  who 
knows  her  is  fool  enough  to  confide  in  her.  Lon  might  have 
hugged  her,  but  he  never  told  her  any  of  his  hopes  or  plans. 
^Excitement  grows  more  intense.  Mercy  sits  unmoved,  with 
impassive  countenance.  Bailiff  rubs  his  jaws  and  throat,  but 
fails  to  articulate  the  word  order,  and  grows  quite  apopletic 
in  appearance.  He  waves  his  gavel  as  if  he  were  a band- 
leader, beating  time,  and  jumps  up  and  down  in  frantic  des- 
pair 

Judge.  Bailifif,  clear  this  court  room,  at  once.  \Speaks  in 
thundering  tones,  and  pounds  his  desk,  knocking  the  tumbler 
to  the  floor.  Bailiff  makes  a supreme  effort,  and  finally  suc- 
ceeds in  crying  order,  but  in  a funny  cracked  voice.]  Witness 
is  excused.  [Mercy  takes  her  seat.]  We  will  spend  no  more 
time  on  witnesses.  We  will  now  hear  the  attorneys’  arguments, 
and  those  who  become  disorderly  shall  be  promptly  arrested 
for  contempt  of  court — arrested  for  contempt  of  court.  Do  you 
hear?  Arrested  for  contempt  of  court.  This  includes  spec- 
tators as  well  as  witnesses.  [ With  a stern  glance  over  the 
audience.]  Now,  don’t  let  me  hear  another  snicker. 

Sharpe.  [Rising.]  1 shall  take  but  little  of  your  valuable 
time,  your  Honor,  for  I feel  that  my  client  need  not  fear  in- 
justice at  your  hands.  This  is  too  evident  an  attempt  to  obtain 
money  to  be  seriously  considered  as  a case  of  damaged  affec- 
tions. This  woman  of  forty  years  of  age  deliberately  laid  her 
plans  to  marry  a man  ten  years  younger  than  herself, — the  man 
who  had  all  his  life  regarded  her  as  an  elder  sister  or  second 
mother.  A man  does  not  expect  his  female  relatives  to  regard 
his  endearments  in  the  light  of  serious  matrimonial  intentions, 
and  this  man,  thinking  of  this  woman  only  as  one  who  had 
taught  him  how  to  eat,  to  walk,  to  talk,  is  not  to  be  censured 
because  he  failed  to  see  that  his  foster-mother  was  preparing 
to  marry  him.  When,  however,  he  did  become  aware  of  the 
awful  truth,  no  man  could  have  behaved  more  gallantly.  With- 
out thought  of  the  fearful  sacrifice  he  was  about  to  make,  he 
allowed  himself  to  be  caught  in  the  trap  of  this  woman  to  whom 
friendship  is  but  another  name  for  conquest,  and  preparations 
were  made. to  carry  out  her  plans.  But  Fate  willed  otherwise. 
The  high  sense  of  honor  with  which  he  has  been  endowed  com- 
pelled him  to  lay  bare  every  secret  of  his  heart  before  the 
woman  whom  he  had  asked  to  bear  his  name.  He  did  by  her 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE. 


33 


exactly  as  he  would  have  had  her  do  by  him,  and  while  the  re- 
sult was  not  as  he  had  anticipated,  it  was  just  as  kindly  Fate 
meant  it  should  be.  In  a fit  of  ungovernable  rage,  his  affianced 
bride  sent  him  from  her,  declaring  that  she  never  wished  to  sec 
his  face  again.  He  took  her  at  her  word.  It  is  what  she  had 
*:aught  him  to  do  from  the  beginning.  He  had  always  obeyed  her, 
and  he  strove  to  do  so  now.  A week  passed,  during  which  she 
teamed  that  it  was  sometimes  possible  to  obtain  large  sums  of 
money  by  suing  for  breach  of  promise  ; she  also  learned  that 
certain  Klondyke  properties  were  considered  valuable,  and  so 
this  suit  was  begun.  Witnesses  were  secured, — how,  it  is  not 
worth  while  to  ask, — but  it  has  been  shown  in  what  way  their 
testimony  is  regarded  by  those  who  know  them  well.  The 
testimony  brought  out  shows  the  affectionate,  confiding  nature 
of  my  client.  Like  most  men  who  have  been  brought  up  by 
women,  he  loves  them,  believes  in  them,  caresses  them,  and 
confides  in  them.  Until  this  bitter  experience,  he  knew  nothing, 
whatever,  of  their  cat-like  natures.  Your  Honor,  think  what  it 
would  mean  to  any  man  with  one  iota  of  manliness  in  his  nature 
to  be  obliged  to  spend  his  life  as  the  husband  of  a woman  ten 
years  older  than  himself, — a woman  who  looks  upon  him  as  her 
mission — something  to  be  reformed  and  made  over — and  it  will 
not  be  difficult  for  you  to  judge  this  case  on  its  merits,  and  to 
congratulate  my  client  on  his  escape  from  so  hideous  a fate. 

Goodman.  [Rising.']  Your  Honor,  I stand  here  in  behalf 
of  suffering  womanhood.  I stand  here  opposed  to  that  large 
and  ever-increasing  class  of  men  who  gloat  over  the  hearts  they 
have  broken,  as  the  Indian  gloats  over  the  bloody  scalp-locks 
he  has  snatched  from  the  heads  of  his  shrieking  victims.  The 
testimony  submitted  by  this  man-flirt  and  his  friends  strikes  me 
as  a rank  insult  to  intelligence.  He  poses  as  a dear  little  boy, 
who  always  minds  his  mother,  but  he  forgets  that  the  most 
obedient  of  little  boys  become  their  mother’s  protectors  at  the  age 
of  thirty  years.  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty  engaged  himself  to 
Abigail  Plummer  because  her  father  was,  at  that  time,  able  to 
support  him  in  idleness.  He  broke  the  engagement  when  he 
no  longer  needed  help  from  that  source.  For  a long  time  he 
had  been  flirting  with  his  present  wife — just  as  he  flirted  with 
all  other  unmarried  women  whom  he  met,  until  he  could  ascer- 
tain the  state  of  their  finances.  The  girl’s  father  had  gone  to 
the  Klondyke  with  him  and  they  were  partners.  When  their 
mining  claims  seemed  valueless,  he  contented  himself  with 
flirting  with  the  young  lady  ; when  it  promised  well,  he  broke 
his  engagement  to  Miss  Plummer,  and  married  his  partner's 
3 


34 


THE  GREAT  PLUMMER 


daughter.  He  may  have  loved  her  more  than  he  did  Miss 
Plummer  and  he  may  not.  The  chances  are  that  he  figured  on 
uniting  the  mining  interests,  with  a view  of  becoming  sole 
owner  at  no  very  distant  day.  {^Great  excitement^  I have 
nothing  further  to  say.  Here  is  the  man  ; you  can  see  him  for 
yourself,  and  you  have  heard  his  pitifully  weak  story.  You  can 
also  see  the  lady  who  has  given  the  best  years  of  her  life  in  a 
vain  attempt  to  make  a man  of  one  who  was  born  to  be  a 
monkey.  It  is  to  be  regretted  that  she  wished  to  go  on  with 
her  efforts  in  his  behalf,  but  her  motives  were  certainly  disin- 
terested, and  had  she  succeeded,  she  would  have  been,  to  a cer- 
tain extent,  a benefactor  to  the  human  race.  She  was  deprived 
of  this,  to  her,  inestimable  privilege,  and  her  heart  is  broken. 
I have  done  what  I could  ; the  rest  lies  with  you.  [Sits.] 

Mrs.  H.-T.  Alonzo  ! If  you  don’t  thrash  that  man  this  in- 
stant, I shall  believe  he  tells  the  truth. 

Mrs.  P.  Three  cheers  for  Goodman  ! [ Witnesses  cheer 

and  hiss.  Bailiff  calls  order  in  most  pathetic  tones^  running 
about,  and  sobbmg  aloud  because  he  is  not  obeyed.  The 
Judge  rises,  swelling  with  importance,  and  stands  gazing 
around  the  court  room  in  a most  dramatic  manner.  Grad- 
ually  the  witnesses  see  him,  and  fall  back  into  their  seats, 
speechless  with  awe.  The  room  becomes  very  quiet,  and  all 
gaze  at  him  in  open-mouthed  reverence.] 

Judge.  Be  quiet.  Be  quiet,  little,  excitable  children.  I am 
about  to  speak.  I am  about  to  decide  this  case — Plummer  vs. 
Highty-Tighty — and  when  I have  finished  speaking,  nothing 
further  need  be  said.  Justice  will  reign  among  us — the  long- 
sought  justice  upon  which  there  are  no  flies.  The  evidence 
brought  before  me  convinces  me  that  Alonzo  Highty-Tighty 
did  repent  himself  of  his  act,  his  crazy  act,  in  engaging  himself 
to  Abigail  Plummer,  and  so  he  broke  the  engagement  before 
the  tragedy  of  marriage  could  take  place.  Therein  he  showed 
wisdom,  wisdom,  I say,  albeit  it  was  the  unconscious  wisdom 
of  the  jackass.  He  married  a girl  who  must  be  a greater  fool 
than  he  is,  else  she  would  have  had  nothing  to  do  with  him, 
and  therein  he  again  acted  with  that  blind  instinct  which  he 
shares  with  the  beast.  He  has  bettered  his  condition,  and  he 
can  afford  to  pay  for  it.  I say,  he  can  afford  to  pay  for  it.  As 
for  the  plaintiff,  her  plea  of  damaged  affections  is  simply  not  to 
be  considered.  They  are  ridiculous.  The  real  article,  when 
damaged,  cannot  be  mended  by  filthy  lucre.  What  Abigail 
wants  is  money  to  clear  the  mortgage  off  the  old  homestead,  and 


BREACH-OF-PROMISE  CASE.  35 

this  is  the  only  way  she  could  see  of  obtaining  it.  \To  Good-' 
man^  By  the  way,  how  much  is  that  mortgage  ? 

Goodman.  About  four  thousand  dollars. 

Mrs.  P.  ^agerly,']  Four  thousand,  three  hundred  and  fifty. 
Judge.  The  man-flirt  is  a blot  on  nature.  He  should  be 
made  to  pay  so  dearly  for  his  fun  that  few  of  his  class  could 
afford  to  indulge  in  so  base  an  amusement.  There  should  be  a 
society  for  the  suppression  of  the  man-flirt.  Designing  females 
are  no  better.  Now,  listen.  You  are  to  hear  a verdict  that 
will  bring  my  name,  Esquire  Daniel  Webster  Wright,  to  the  at- 
tention of  thousands  of  admirers.  I shall  go  down  to  posterity  as 
an  example  of  righteous  wisdom,  and  you  must  not  miss  one 
word  of  my  verdict.  {Dramatic pause. \ I declare  that  Alonzo 
Highty-Tighty  shall  pay  to  Abigail  Plummer  the  sum  of  four 
;housand,  three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  and  seven  and  one- 
lalf  cents.  The  seven  and  one-half  cents,  my  hearers,  the  seven 
ind  one-half  cents  I award  for  the  damaged  affections.  {Abi^ 
l^ail  and  her  mother  fall  into  each  other  s arms.  Friends  fan 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Highty-Tighty.'] 

Bailiff.  Hear  ye,  good  people  ! The  time  for  adjournment 
las  arrived.  {Characters  all  begin  talking  excitedly  together^ 
ind  curtain  /dlls.] 


ONE  ACT  FARCES 

. . for  - - 

MIXED  GROUPS 


KING  SARGON'S  JARS 

A farce  in  one  act,  by  Ann  Furlong.  For  three  men  and 
three  women.  Aunt  Matilda  overhears  Jim  plan  to  use  a 
mysterious  compound  on  her.  It  has  power  to  turn  any 
living  thing  to  stone.  After  substituting  another  fluid,  Aunt 
Matilda  pretends  to  turn  to  stone  and  learns  some  things 
that  make  her  reverse  her  opposition  to  the  marriage  of 
Nancy  and  Bob.  Price,  35  cents 


LUNCHEON  FOR  SIX 

A farce  in  one  act,  by  Vera  Hamill-Hafer.  For  three  men 
and  three  women.  Lois  mistakes  the  important  dinner  guest 
for  another  agent  and  gives  him  a snappy  bawling  out.  | 
Then  it  seems  simplest  to  go  on  pretending  she  is  a green  j 
maid.  Lively  complications  follow.  Price,  35  cents  ; 


VIOLET  MOVES  IN 

A farce  in  one  act,  by  Wilbur  Braun.  For  three  men  and 
three  women.  Violet's  babyish  manner  appeals  to  men.^ 
One  of  them  induces  Lois  to  share  her  apartment  with; 
Violet.  Violet  is  broke  and  will  do  everything  for  Lois! 
Violet  does!  She  borrows  Lois’  money,  clothes  and  does 
her  best  to  capture  Lois’  young  man.  A delightfully 
humorous  farce.  Price,  35  cents 


MODERN  PLAYS 
FOR  MODERN  PLAYERS 

A LADY  TO  SEE  YOU 

A larce  in  3 acts ; 5 m,  5 w.  Scene : 1 interior.  Time, 
a full  evening.  With  appearances  all  against  him 
Gerald  Donovan  tries  to  cope  with  his  charming 
but  suspicious  wife,  her  nosey  mother,  a tempera- 
mental Italian  girl  and  two  ladies  determined  to 
move  out  of  the  spinster  class.  It’s  a gay  tumble  of 
mix-ups  with  delightful  masculine  roles  to  match 
the  amusing  feminine  ones.  Royalty,  until  Septem- 
ber 1,  1932,  $15.00  for  each  amateur  performance. 
Posters  available.  Price,  50  cents 

THE  VALLEY  OF  GHOSTS 

A mystery  comedy  in  3 acts ; 6 m,  6 w.  Scene : 1 
interior.  Time,  a full  evening.  A valley  of  terror 
where  comedy  unexpectedly  springs  from  sinister 
shadows  and  two  lovers  snatch  riches  and  happiness 
from  the  very  teeth  of  danger.  Royalty,  $10.00  for 
each  amateur  performance.  Posters  available. 

Price,  SO  cents 

SPEEDING  ALONG 

A comedy  in  3 acts ; 6 m,  7 w.  Scene : 1 interior. 
Time,  a full  evening.  Plucky  '‘Bobby”  runs  a resort 
store  and  there  are  contrasting  roles  of  “summer 
people”  and  “just  folks.”  “Bobby,”  loving  a name- 
less stranger,  wins  love  and  fortune  in  her  brave 
stand  for  her  father’s  invention — the  Larrabee 
motor.  Royalty,  $10.00  for  each  amateur  perform- 
ance. Posters  available.  Price,  50  cents 


OUTSTANDING  RURAL  PLAYS 


THE  BUTTER  AND  EGG  WOMAN 

A comedy  in  one  act  for  one  man,  three  women  and  threi 
children  of  teen  age.  By  Bessie  C.  Gray.  Resentful  o 
having  been  called  “the  butter  and  egg  woman,”  ma  resolve 
to  move  to  the  city.  The  farm-loving  family  are  heart 
broken  but  loyally  put  ma*s  happiness  first.  Then  thing: 
happen  and  ma  gets  a truer  picture  of  farm  vs.  city. 

Price,  35  centi 


COMPANY  CAKE 

A comedy  in  one  act  for  six  women,  by  Elizabeth  Poat- 
Fleming.  The  sudden  news  that  her  mother-in-law  i 
coming  for  a visit  drives  the  new  bride,  Ivy,  to  an  act  o! 
desperation.  She  steals  a lemon-filler  cake  from  the  churci 
social.  Maybe  that  famous  cook  and  housekeeper,  M,' 
Thomas,  won’t  notice  her  shortcomings  so  much  if  there’ 
good  company  cake!  Complications  aplenty  result.  ; 

Price,  35  cent 

i 

WISCONSIN  RURAL  PLAYS  ! 

A collection  of  plays  of  farm  life,  a number  of  whicj 
have  received  first  prize  in  the  Wisconsin  Drama  Leagi^ 
Original  Play  Writing  Contests.  Included  are:  GooS| 
Money;  Dreams;  King  Row;  Sons  of  Soil  and  Short  Cut 
Short  Cut  calls  for  all  men.  The  others  are  for  men  am 

Price,  75  ceni 


women. 


THREE  POPULAR  FARCES 


ALIBI  BILL 

A farce  in  3 acts,  by  Katharine  Kavanaugh.  For  5 m.,  5 
w.  Scene:  1 interior.  Bill  makes  the  mistake  of  thinking 
he  can  alibi  his  way  out  of  a suspicious  looking  situation. 
His  mother-in-law  and  wife  aren’t  so  easy  as  they  look, 
however.  Royalty,  $10.00  for  each  amateur  performance. 
Posters  available.  Price,  50  cents 


OH  PROFESSORI 

A farce  in  3 acts,  by  Katharine  Kavanaugh.  For  5 m.,  7 
w.  Scene:  1 interior.  When  the  wealthy  Michael  Pember- 
ton proposed  to  swap  jobs  with  Professor  Courtright  he 
didn’t  realize  half  the  trouble  that  lay  ahead.  For  Michael 
discovers  that  he’s  contracted  to  teach  astronomy  (!)  to  a 
flock  of  pert  boarding  school  misses.  Royalty,  $10.00  for 
each  amateur  performance.  Posters  available. 

Price,  50  cents 


WHO  WOULDN’T  BE  CRAZYl 

The  best  loved  farce  of  them  all!  In  3 acts  for  8 m.,  8 w. 
Scene:  1 interior.  By  Katharine  Kavanaugh.  Speedy  Mar- 
shall, dodging  a traffic  cop,  gets  himself  interned  in  a sani- 
tarium and  there  finds  the  girl  of  his  dreams  staging  a show 
for  the  inmates.  How  Speedy  foils  a robbery  and  saves  his 
friend’s  romance — and  his  own — is  part  of  an  immensely 
popular  play.  Royalty,  $10.00  for  each  amateur  perform- 
ance. Posters  available.  Price,  50  cents 


Try  These  for  Your  Club  Program 


MEET  THE  COUNTESS 

Farce  in  1 act;  6 w.  When  one  is  unexpectedly  called  on 
to  entertain  the  club's  guest  of  honor,  a Swedish  countess, 
and  one  doesn’t  receive  the  message  that  a friend  is  sending 
her  Swedish  cook  to  help  out — then  what  happens?  Right! 
And  there  are  loads  of  fun  as  the  cook  gets  a stately  wel- 
come and  the  Countess — well,  just  read  the  play! 

Price,  35  cents 

THE  TOY  HEART 

Drama  in  1 act;  4 w.  Two  characters  in  Chinese  costumes 
and  two  in  attractive  modern  clothes  make  a colorful  and 
unusual  spectacle  in  this  vivid  play  of  the  clash  between 
oriental  and  occidental  love.  Price,  35  cents 

TWO  TABLES  OF  BRIDGE  : 

Comedy  in  1 act;  9 w.  It’s  funny  to  the  audience,  but 
tragic  enough  to  the  bride  who  is  hostess  to  her  husband’s 
employer’s  wife  at  an  afternoon  of  bridge.  Price,  35  cents 

THE  SILVER  SWAN 

Comedy  in  1 act;  3 w.  A charming  Christmas  play  of  th(l 
loyalty  of  a daughter  which  brings  about  the  reunion  of 
two  lonely  women,  her  mother  and  her  aunt.  Price,  35  cent^ 

I 

THANKS,  AWFULLY!  j 

Comedy  in  1 act;  1 m.,  13  w.  The  character  of  the  mafi 
may  be  played  by  a woman.  An  amusing  comedy  of  ^ 
young  man's  attempt  to  get  through  an  afternoon  affair-^ 
and  even  propose — using  only  two  words.  Price,  35  cenfs 


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PLAYS 

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as  well  as  for  men,  and  includes  an  excellent 
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